I SUPER tried to post this on Instagram, but it simply would not fit – so if you are here from social media – here is the extended version:
I’m not the thinnest I’ve ever been in my life. 100% I’m not. I’m not the most fit (although I do walk and run sometimes I couldn’t tell you how far – or how often!) I also couldn’t tell you how much more or less thin I am than the heaviest or the thinnest version or Shawna. I haven’t counted a mile or weighed a pound or tracked a calorie in over 3 months… that is a quarter of a year folks, the absolute longest I’ve gone in my whole adult life without looking at a scale or somehow tracking/limiting/obsessing over food in one way or another.. and that’s not the only thing I’m not tracking… Honestly, although I’m doing lovely things all the time, I can’t run you through a brilliant list of all of my accomplishments, all the ways I’ve proven my worth… there is no way for me to define or quantify for you what version of myself I am right now… I’ve got nothing you can score one, nothing I can score myself on…
A little over three months ago, I made a call, I decided something that might seem simple to you but never has been for me… It happened when I found a photo from on facebook from several years back of myself and started to do that thing – immediately I was counting and qualifying and quantifying – comparing and wondering and questioning: that me versus this me how do I measure up, am I as good, am I better… am I worse, am I fatter (god forbid!!!)????… but when I looked: from that photo to a mirror and back again… I suddenly saw this: there is no version of myself but ME.
You guys, my eyes were opened my world was rocked… I decided right then I was SO done. More than done. DONE trying SO SO HARD, DONE constantly telling myself that I’m not good enough. SO DONE trying to be something better than me, and all the while forgetting WHO I AM right now – what I am doing every moment that I walk this earth. I wrote out these words then “My body is a VESSEL. For happiness, and adventure, for LOVE. It is not a trap. NO MORE.” And then day by day by day, I’ve been trying to remember, trying to drive it home in mindset in behavior, in the language I use with myself, in the way I talk to myself in the mirror… and in exchange, day by day by day I’ve been learning exactly what I was forgetting. WHO I AM.
You see, it’s not just that I am a daughter of someone or a mother of someone or a lovely person for other people to enjoy (small enough, nice enough, smart enough, talented enough, not too much trouble). No. I am ME. I AM ME. I can probably just say that again and again and never stop learning from it. I. AM. ME. This life, this body this universe that I walk around in, it is my own (does that sound too entitled, I hope not! I am only hoping to say, that I create my own life, I live my own life, friends, we all do.)
I am not the thinnest I’ve ever been in my life (I would venture to guess, but who knows LOL – pretty sure I’m not!) But goodness, I am, without a doubt, the HAPPIEST I’ve ever been in my life. I am the most healthy in soul and spirit I’ve ever been. I feel stronger, and whole-er (wholer is totally a word now). I am LIVING in a way that feels like my own. I belong to me. I trust me. Dare I confess it to the world, I LOVE ME. Just right in this moment, as I am. That is winning, in a way I never before could do. Without a number or a grade or a list, I have found success. For that I’m proud and content and inspired and happy and, well, I’m ready. To just keep being ME.
Maybe this is too much for public posting, but if I can be a beacon of honesty, a force of positivity, a little nudge, to even one person, just to embrace the YOU that you are – today… Man, it is SO worth putting my pride aside and being stupid honest! It is not easy to let go. To stop obsessing and start loving. It’s not easy work because it is SO SCARY to let go of the things we have learned to lean on for confidence and sense of self. But I will tell you today, right now looking at this picture of me BEAMING with bliss. That it is possible. You are worth it, just for EXISTING here in this world, you are worth it. You are lovely and important and beautiful and a vessel for love too. I believe in you because I believe in ME. Find out who you are, don’t be afraid, you will not for a second regret giving yourself the permission to stop trying and start BEING YOU.
I love this so much. You ARE ENOUGH. You are AMAZING. You are WORTHY. You are a beacon of inspiration and hope.
Sweet friend!!! Thank you, more than I can say, for being part of my Journey toward honesty and self acceptance! I could NOT love you more!
I love seeing you so happy and at peace with yourself. I could sense some of that in your posts from the beach, but didn’t really know you’d had a pivotal moment in your thinking. May you continue to have joy in all that you do and are!
LOVE this, Shawna!!!! Thank you so much for writing this. I had the privilege of hearing two sisters talk about something very similar to this, last week. They are known as BeautyRedefined online. Such mind boggling stuff, and so “well, duh!!!!” Thank you for this. I’m going to read it a couple more times now 😀
I’m going to look them up! I’m finding on my “journey” that I really believe God has been just aching to show this to me my whole life, and finally I am ready to truly hear it.
Such a wonderful post. With so many in social media trying to sell me something I kept waiting to hear how I should follow your food shake plan, your exercise plan, dab myself with your oils, I should buy my legging from you. So refreshing that your post was simply about the honesty in your soul that has brought you to this blissful moment in your life.
Self love – it is not for sale but man it takes a lot of work! SO SO WORTH it though! <3 I can totally understand your feelings! When I posted i was like, oh boy do I sound like I'm selling something??? LOL!!! I feel so so fortunate to have found this place, I wasn't sure I could. Worth every moment of fighting for it - have to remind myself it will be worth every moment of doubt in the future too!
I love this!! This….what you have found..is what I am searching for. To be able to let go and just be ME. I am so far from where I began but I am moving ever forward. Learning that I am ok and if I am enough for myself, then who cares what anyone else thinks. I loved reading this. I love knowing you are the happiest you have ever been. I’m going to mark this post and come back and reread it a few more times, it is golden….this post is pure gold. Thank you for being brave.
Casey – I pray for this for you too – honestly I do! You are one of those friends that is never far from my heart. I have read a few books that have been so SO good for my soul. Love Warrior (by Glennon Doyle Melton) is the one I read right before my “ah-ha” moment. I could read it a million times. It is riveting, enlightening, moving. I am thinking about reading it again and staring a “book club” for it this summer, let me know if you would be interested. Also, Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, and Eat Pray Love – (although I’ve only read the “eat” portion, which is probably where I am in my own journey hahaha!) All of those books have like FED my soul. So So SO good for the spirit. Love you friend!
So proud of and happy for you! Thank you for sharing yourself with us and for believing in yourself and in us! Love your heart, girlfriend!! You inspire me!!
Wow! I was looking for you because I received large background stamp today from “Shawna Clingerman”, and fell absolutely in love with it and how it made me so happy! So I was looking up “Shawna Clingerman “. Hoping to find that she was this beautiful artist that as selling other art. What I found instead was SHAWNA CLINGERMAN!
I FOUND YOU, maybe not the one that is an artist maybe the one that is an artist, what I found was this FABULOUS PERSON WHO WAS IN THE PROCESS OF THIS BEAUTIFUL JOURNEY! This person who is finally f inding out who she is, finding that t she is perfect just the way she is! She doesn’t have to be an artist, a 100lb.size two six feet seventy something inches who runs 9000 miles per day who has legs to go for miles etc. etc. etc. I found a perso who has no idea of any of this and is happier than ever before! SHE FOUND HERSELF! Amen!
I know how to read and write but as I right this I am constantly thinking, Okay now I think they changed the rules and instead of putting in a comma whenever you pause in a sentence, we should … Who cares! I am in the middle three hundred pounds, been in bed for about 15 years, yes 15 year!, except for doctors appointments. I have horrendous migraines, have one now BUT WHO CARES! I AM A PERSON! I AM ME! I AM SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO BE SKINNY, WHO WANTS TO GET UP AND WALK 9000 miles but if I cannot WHO CARES!
SO TOMORROW I AM GOING AT LEAST SIT UP FOR 20 minutes! But if it ends u l one hour fantastic,if five minutes fantastic, who is counting? If I am up for any time it will be great! Instead of worrying what I weigh I am going to look at myself I n the mirror and see me! I will eat what I want, I will weigh what I weigh and I will try to pass forward what YOU have just done for ME! Thank you my friend, I hope that I did not steal your thunder!
I just wanted you to know what YOU HAVE DONE FOR ME!
I am so proud of YOU AND I HOPE THAT YOU CONTINUE ON THIS JOURNEY forever! You are a beautiful person and I do not know anything about auras but Your AURA IS SHINING BRIGHTER THAN EVER!
Bless you friend ! I hope YOU stay in bliss forever!
If you started a book club, I would love your list! I like to listen to Joyce Meyer books, Max Lucado. I actually love any book there is basically. I love ones that make me think! Blessings! Lee
Oh my goodness friend! How did I miss this amazing comment! I’m so sorry, my website was being very moody about notifying about things for a while, but I just want to say that when I DID see this comment I cried big big tears! You made my month Lee and I just want to send you all the love in the world right now! <3 I hope you are feeling well and continuing on that journey of loving yourself because you CERTAINLY deserve it. You are a shining precious human being, I can feel your warmth clearly here and I can see that the Lord made you to light this world up. <3 Thank you so much for looking me up and finding me and leaving me SO MUCH LOVE here! You are precious sweet friend!
Wow, I did you good favors and boy did you just do me some! I had a rough day last Thursday , I had to go to a doctor’s appointment and I promised myself to also register for voting. I did but I thought it was gonna kill me. I have been down ever since and notting up ! Now I am going to ! NOW I am going to! Thank you!😊😊😊😊😊😊 Blessings! Lee